Today I have time off to spend with the family. Alan got a bungalow at the NS Resort and Country Club for Ethan's birthday. It's nice and big but a bit rundown. There was a notice to say the chalets are going to be renovated soon -- not soon enough for us, evidently.

Spent the morning prepping food like lamb chops and a potato salad; then left for Changi after a packed lunch. Shortly after we arrived it began to rain! So instead of the pool we headed for the arcade and karaoke lounge. Luckily the rain stopped around 5.30 and the kids got a swim in while the helpers and I eventually got the barbecue fire going.

We had a splendid bbq of lamb chops, spare ribs, chicken wings, sausages and a really yummy slab of ribeye. Ate till our eyeballs popped and then we had the ice cream cake. Kids played badminton indoors. After the cleanup, we sent the remaining food home with the helpers, bathed, quarrelled about where to sleep and went to bed. It was not the most comfortable night. Outside our window were screaming teenagers at some game. They didn't go on for too long, fortunately, but Alan, who was sleeping in the living room with Ethan in our tent(!) had to get up every now and then to turn on the a/c when it tripped. This went on all through the night. Happily the birthday boy slept blissfully through all of it.

Today J was hung over for the second day running from the unbridled drinking last night so I left him to simmer in his sauce while I went out to shop. Bought clothes, shoes, perfume... that was the good part of the day.

The rest of it was spent in mindless doing-nothingness at Pine Grove with a pair of children who have no interest in anything but television. In the end I left them there on their own (Mum and Dad had to leave around 6 for a church event) while I went home to get into something more comfortable. At home too was unproductiveness and inertia. No response. I am really tired of being the one who always thinks about meals, and is always getting them. Does anyone ever make me a meal without being asked? Only Mum does. And today I knew I would get something to eat at Pine Grove without having to ask for it, and I did. Mushy peas with mushrooms and pork, something out of my childhood. I guess it's pretty universal -- only Mum gets it. Never do I come home to a meal on the table that I didn't already ask for.

So tonight I decided I wouldn't think about dinner for everyone and just have the mee siam Mum made. As a result of course the children went without dinner (neither Poni nor J bothered) and predictably they got hungry after they were done with TV at 10. I want to send them to bed hungry but Poni has made them grilled cheese sandwiches. .

Today I went to work trying to shake off a feeling I've had for a while now that I've had a real lousy year at work and I'm not good enough for my job. Actually, I know why I feel that way, cos AJ told me so last week! J asks why I let one person colour my whole perception of myself. That's a good question. I've always felt the guilt, from when I was a child in school, that I should be working harder, goofing off less, be more driven etc etc. I've never felt good enough, really. Rationally, I know it would be more pertinent to ask if my superiors have failed me instead. In the end, it is who you are aligned with, and whose "ally" you are seen as which has more bearing on your advancement. All a monumental waste of time, but I guess some people really need to create challenges for themselves.

Anyway, the point is, as Ann said at lunch, it's best to work for oneself. At age 41, can I reinvent myself? Ah, that's where the question of drive comes in. I've always been a laidback kind of person, happy to cruise by on natural talent. We shall see if this project with Ann works out. At least I may be able to unchain myself from the implacable unappeasable mothership. Had a conversation with Zach about pay structure etc. He says cost of living is much lower in the US but the point is that I don't want to get stiffed by the company.

Finished the night with a drink under the stars at Sunset Tavern with J. It's nice to be able to walk home -- three minutes, tops! -- after a drink! But I don't know how long we will enjoy this place. The Lift Upgrading Programme may be around the corner. We got letters in the mail today about the Good News Chris de Souza has got for us. They are gonna put a door in our balconies which will open to the lift landing. That sounds pretty radical... Guess we'll have to wait till Nov 11 to find out!

Today I had a day off, which was a good thing too since I was over at Ronnie and Irene's last night till past midnight (old people need more time to recover). J was out of the house early but Alexis woke me at 9 to send out for McDees. She came back with a list: 3 Egg Mcmuffins, 3 Hash browns, 3 Ice milos. McDees said it would take 1.5 hours but it was 11 before they got here :P The kids were beside themselves with hunger.

Lao Shi came at 11.30 and while Alexis and Dana had tuition, Isabel and Kaiqi insisted on going to the canal to catch fish. A & D followed after Chinese class. Of course Dana shouldn't have because she had art class straight after but did anyone tell me? Of course not. And of course KQ ended up in the water when she slipped in her inappropriate shoes. Still, it was kind of fun and there were loads of fish.

In the afternoon we went to swim and bowl at the SPGG in Dover Road, proving that nothing changes and school vacations don't need anything else to be memorable. I remember one holiday when I was a child when we went swimming at the Teachers' Club in Dover Road every day of the three weeks. The very spartan canteen served up the most wonderful burgers. Homemade and peppery, their smell on the grill would send my mouth churning with juices. They were slapped on a bun, which instantly disintegrated under their oily heat, and drizzled with tomato ketchup before being served up. Omigawd, heaven.